Ladies, I want to have the talk about when the friendly Bio-Mom turns her back on you or suddenly starts to ignore you. I want to warn you that this blog post will NOT be for everyone- so take what you would like from it. We all have our own stories and history to the story. So please do not get offended or upset if your situation is not like this. I am merely here to help open the ways we may think about things.
Let me try to put things into perspective … We love our kids right? (At least most days…) We would do anything for them, but that does not mean that we won’t have days where we need a break or don’t want to do everything that they want to do. Sometimes we may need just 5 minutes alone in the bathroom; other times, we may be in need of a few hours or would love a week-long getaway.
So now let’s think about Bio-Mom, and how she has been handling things: Maybe she’s been amazing from the start; maybe she took some time to warm up, and now she’s backed off…
I have been a stepmom for over 8 years now, and I have had highs and lows. Our blended family communication has gone from amazing to shit in a few hours, but we’ve also been able to get back on track in just a few days! Sometimes, there are times that it may take month or two- it really just depends on the situation and the emotions involved. All I can tell you is all you can do is control the way that YOU react to things, no one else. Understand you are not the only human with emotions in this blended family.
For example: let’s just say Bio-Mom has been great: combined birthday parties, shared days and open to trades or additional hours. Then the next week she doesn’t want to look at you, speak to you or even work with you on being flexible with the schedule. We as stepmoms begin to wonder what we did wrong or what we said; we begin to stress how far this is going to go or how long we may be in this rut. But guys!! Stop, maybe this has nothing to do with you (well there is always the slight chance it does). Maybe she’s having a hard time on her end of things, maybe an issue at work, maybe a comment was said in her home or she’s having emotional difficulties within herself. You don’t need to start asking questions, bothering her or even stressing about it. Just continue on your life, your way of doing things and let her have her space. Maybe she just needs a break, like we do as moms. Maybe she needs a little space to gather herself, and we should respect her and allow her that. She may come back and want to talk about it, but respect that she also may not.
As a human, I do not let people step on me, or disrespect me. As a stepmom, I do not do this either; however, if she needs some space from me I’ll respect that and if she wants to come back and talk again I’ll be there too. Because you know what? It’s not about me- it’s about my stepson and I do what I need to protect him. Sometimes that means being flexible and other times it means backing off with certain things.
I have noticed over the last 8 years, if a break is needed and I do not give the space that I should to allow for healing or that break, others may get angry, distraught or flustered. And guess who has to be around that personality when he isn’t with me: My stepson. He doesn’t need that! So the least that I can do for him is back off when it’s needed. Just because I back off from some things (drop offs, the communication between parents or volunteering) does not mean that I am going anywhere!! I am still home, doing homework, feeding and attending sporting events. He knows by now that I am here for him and always will be. Even if he doesn’t want to talk now he knows when he needs me I am here and that’s all due to consistency ❤
This post is not in reference to a specific time or event, but rather allowing another perspective on the ins and outs of the rollercoaster relationship of Step and Bio parents.
Jade San Nicolas
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